Why do accountants make good lovers?
They’re great with figures.

What’s the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

Conversation between two accountants at a cocktail party:”…….and ninthly…”

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Depreciation.

What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
His desk is level

There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
Those who can count and those who can’t.

If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
“Darling, could you tell me about your work.”

What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.

What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone?
Popular

What’s the definition of unlikely?
A photo-spread in Playboy titled ‘The World’s Top Accountants - Nude!’.

What’s an accountant’s idea of trashing his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

What’s the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.

Why did he cross back?
So he could charge the client for travel expenses.

How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb?
How many did it take last year?

When do accountants laugh out loud?
When somebody asks for a raise

Why did God invent economists?
So accountants could have someone to laugh at.

What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.

What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
It’s 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait……

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realises he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Q: What is a Budget?
A: An orderly system for living beyond your means.

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.

Wife to husband as they watch their young son playing:
“He’s such a sensitive child. Let’s wait until he’s older before we tell him you’re an accountant.”

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?”
“That’s the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.”This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart.”The patient is pleased. He asks, “What were their jobs?”"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant.”
“I’ll take the accountant’s heart,” says the patient. “I want one that hasn’t been used.”

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”

A patient was at her doctor’s office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, “I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live.”The patient asked, “Oh doctor, what should I do?” The doctor replied, “Marry an accountant.” “Will that make me live longer?” asked the patient. “No,” said the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer.”

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an accountant joke?”The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6′2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it two times.”

An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: “This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old”.”Where did you get this exact information?” “I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old.

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”"Why does that parrot cost so much?” asks the accountant.”Well,” replies the owner, “it knows how to do complex audits.”"How much does the middle parrot cost?” asks the accountant.”That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts”.The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?”To which the owner replies “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”

A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says, “Tell you what, I’ll bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock.”The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can’t see how anyone could guess correctly so he says, “OK. You’re on.”"Nine hundred and thirty two,” says the man.The farmer takes off his hat and scratches his head. “I don’t know how you did it but that’s exactly right. A bet’s a bet. Take any sheep.”The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer says, “Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your occupation.”The man thinks, “How would he know, he’s never met me before” and says “Righto. You’re on”.The farmer says, “You’re an auditor with a Big Four firm.”The man whistles . “How the heck did you know that?”"Well,” says the farmer, “put my dog down and I’ll tell you.”

The young accounting graduate, fresh out of uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The prospective employer asked him what starting salary he was looking for.”Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”"Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5% superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home telephone reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000 kilometres, say a Mercedes convertible.”The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. “Wow. Are you kidding?”"Yeah. But you started it.”