An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along. “What’ll ya have?” he asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you, I suppose,” she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one gulp.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out.
“Yuck, that’s nasty poison!” she spluttered.
“I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” cried the husband.
“And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

What happened when the barman died?
The police held an inn-quest

Twenty-four hours in a day… twenty-four beers in a case… coincidence?

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each.
The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive.
No further testing is planned.

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka.
The bartender says, “Six shots? What’s wrong?”
“I found out my older brother is gay,” replied the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.
“What now?” asked the bartender.
“I found out my younger brother is gay,” replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.
“Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?” asked the bartender.
The man replied, “Yeah, my wife does.”

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.
“What’s it telling you now?” she asked.
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.” he said.
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!”
The man explains, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”

A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“That will be one ruble,” says the bartender.
“One ruble!” the customer protests, “last week it was only fifty kopeks!”
“Well,” replies the bartender, “it’s fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika.”
Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says, “We are out of beer.”

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, “Would you like to dance?”
The girl says, “I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you.”
The guy says, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.”

How do barmen surf the web?
On the Gin-ternet.

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing?” he asks the drunk.
“I’m looking for my car, and I can’t find it.”
“So how does feeling the roof help you?” He asked the drunk.
“Well,” the drunk replied. “MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!”

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.