What does the N on the Nebraska football helmet stand for? “Nowledge.”

How do you know a Brigham Young student’s been mowing the lawn?
The welcome mat is destroyed.

Why do University of Arkansas graduates tape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.

Teenage Driver: But, officer, I’m a college man.
Policeman: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse.

What do you get when you cross a Texas Aggie with an ape?
A retarded ape.

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school.
“Tell me,” inquired the interviewer, “where do you expect to be ten years from now?”
“Well, let’s see,” replied the student. “It’s Wednesday afternoon. I guess I’ll be on the golf course by now.”

Why don’t Purdue athletes eat pickles?
They can’t get their heads in the jar.

Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher stay awake every night?
He was trying to find a cure for insomnia.

Professor: A wise man doubts everything. Only a pin-head is positive.
Student: Are you sure of that, sir?
Professor: Positive.

Did you hear about the UCLA track star who won a gold medal?
He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.

How many Buckeye football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But he gets three hours credit.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take him/her more than five years to do it.

Two Kentucky psychology majors were walking through the campus.
“Do you consider a 1441.Q. high?”
“Yes!”
“For the whole basketball team?” razz

Did you hear about the Western Kentucky professor who kissed the door goodbye and slammed his wife as he went by ?

Optimist: A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money.

Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet!
Wife: Didn’t you feel a hand in your pocket?
Professor: Yes, but I thought it was mine!

What do you get if you cross a student and an alien ?
Something from another universe -ity !

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. His mom said, “Sure, sweetie. I’ll will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”"Uhh, oh yeah, okay,” responded the kid.So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.When she gets back, her husband asked, “Well how much did you give the boy his time?”She said, “Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20 and the other for $1000 out to him.”"That’s $1020!” yelled her husband. Are you crazy?”"Don’t worry, Hon,” she said. “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!”

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God’s existence. The professor presented the following logic:”Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke.”Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke.”Has anyone in this class seen God?” When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, “Then there is no God.”One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student’s response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:”Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.”Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Silence.”Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?” When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, “Then, according to our professor’ s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain! “You can’t argue with that!

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!”What else do you have?” asks the student.”Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist.The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment.” He goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.”I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know … mat h always was a little hard to swallow.”

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: “Is this a question?” - Discuss. After a short time he wrote: “If that is a question, then this is an answer.” The student received an “A” on the exam.
A Boston brokerage house advertised for a “young Harvard graduate or the equivalent.” Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale grad. He said, “Do you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part time?”

Three students from Michigan State, the University of Kentucky and Texas A & M on summer vacation in France were caught smuggling cocaine and sentenced to death by guillotine. The judge turned to the boy from Michigan and asked, “Do you have any final words, son?” “Yeah, drop dead!” snapped the Wolverine. Hearing this, the judge signaled for the sentence to be carried out. The executioner pulled the lever, and as the crowd gaped in astonishment, the giant blade came to a screeching halt three inches from the victim’s throat. “It’s God’s will! Let him go!” cried the judge. Next the fella from U. of Kentucky was put on the block, and the judge asked again, “And what are your final remarks, my boy?” “Go to hell!” shouted the student, and the judge signaled. The razor-sharp blade fell and miraculously stopped just a quarter inch from the condemned boy’s neck. “It’s the wi ll of God!” exclaimed the judge. “Set him free!” Finally the Texan was put into position. “Before you’re beheaded,” said the judge, “do you have any last words?” “Yeh!” replied the Aggie. “If y’all will just put a little more grease on them grooves, the blade’ll come down a whole lot easier!”

Tad answered the Tennessee State frat house phone. “Hi,” said the voice, “this is Rollie. Come on over, we’re having a real wildass party.” “Shit, Ah’d shore love to,” said Tad, “but Ah got me a bad case of gonorrhea.” “Bring it along!” answered Rollie. “The way thangs is goin’, mah buddies’ll drink anythin’!”

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?” At this, a male student in the crowd inquires,
“Er… How much for a season pass?”

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. “Don’t worry, son. Your mother will come back. She’s only bringing people babies and making them happy.”The next night, it’s father’s turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying, “Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he’s bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.”A few days later, the stork’s parents are desperate: their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he’s been all night.The baby stork says,
“No where. Just scaring the hell out of college students!”