Although the seashore is most commonly associated with the word “beach”, beaches are not only found by the ocean: beaches also occur at the margin of the land along lakes and rivers where sediments are reworked or deposited.
source wikipedia.org

Definition: Politics Poli (Poly): Many…. Tic(k)s: Blood sucking creatures.

Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don’t you?
A: They get elected.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one’s knee from jerking.
A: None: They can’t remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.

Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. “Well it’s not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of…(blah blah waffle)”

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets. A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.

Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment.
A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra lightbulb.

Q: What has dual airbags and has lots of room?
A: The White House.

QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
ANSWER: Until he gets caught.

QUESTION: Name the loser in the 1976 presidential race.
ANSWER: The American people.

Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.

Q: What’s the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee–If No Recovery!

Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put Janet Reno in charge.

Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
A: There is writing on the White-out.

Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.

Q: How many believable, competent, “just right for the job” presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It’s going to be a dark 4 years, isn’t it?

Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.

Q: What is a conservative?
A: A liberal who’s been mugged.

Q: What’s a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.

What is the difference between the government and the Mafia?
One of them is organized.

I don’t think this whole White House scandal is good for parents. I caught my six year old son David in a lie, and he said we could discuss it tonight in a “National Town Meeting.”

I want to become a politician when I grow up so I’ve made a list of skills I want to aquire, butI’ve only come up with one: Lying.

Why is Congress like a cold?Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it and sometimes the no’s (nose).

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican’s pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.” “But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it.” “This is my final position, and I will not compromise!”

A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway:”Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?”Pres says: “You think we’re stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!!”

A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference: “Many say the only reason why you would be elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father.””That notion is ridiculous!” mocked George Jr. “It doesn’t matter how powerful the man is. He can only vote once!”

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, DC. He saw a man standing near the curb, and asked, “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?” “What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?” “Well no,” the tourist said, “I didn’t realize that. But listen, I’m really in a bind so I’m going to have to trust you anyway.”

A small boy was asked by his teacher, “What is the size of the Democratic Party?” “About 5 feet 2 inches,” he replied promptly. “NO!” exploded the teacher.. “I mean, how MANY members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches?” “Well,” replied the boy, “my father is 6 feet tall and every night he puts his hands to his chin and says.. “I’ve had it up to HERE with the Democratic Party!”

Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, “What about the powerful interest that controls you?”And the other guy screamed back, “You leave my wife out of this!”

Once a madman said, “Do you know there is a war going on between India and Bharat? Another madman said, “Why should we worry, we live in Hindustan.”

Osama bin Laden threatened Russia: If you get caught up in this war… I’ll hide from you too!

A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist:”I’d like to become the next President of the United States.”The receptionist: “What are you, an idiot?”Redneck: “Why, is it required?”

A little girl asked her father, “Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with OnceUpon A Time?”And he replied, “No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with ‘If Elected I promise…’”

Three Republicans walk into a bar.The bartender says, “We don’t serve Republicans here.”The Republicans say, “That’s OK…We don’t serve you either.

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. “Ma,” he shouted, “the results are in. I won the election!” “Honestly?” The politician’s smiled faded. “Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?”

1. ☿ Mercury
2. ♀ Venus
3. ⊕ Earth
4. ♂ Mars
5. ♃ Jupiter
6. ♄ Saturn
7. ♅ Uranus
8. ♆ Neptune

Jupiter is the largest, at 318 Earth masses, while Mercury is smallest, at 0.055 Earth masses.
Antares is the 15th brightest star in the sky. It is more than 1000 light years away.

Planet Size Images

The planets of the Solar System can be divided into categories based on their composition:

Terrestrials: Planets that are similar to Earth, with bodies largely composed of rock: Mercury, Venus, Earth and Mars.
Gas giants: Planets with a composition largely made up of gaseous material and are significantly more massive than terrestrials: Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune. Ice giants, comprising Uranus and Neptune, are a sub-class of gas giants, distinguished from gas giants by their significantly lower mass, and by depletion in hydrogen and helium in their atmospheres together with a significantly higher proportion of rock and ice.

Planet sizes video

source en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Planet

A nurse had to take a patient back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, “How is she?” The nurse replied, “Oh, she’s quite dopey.” One of the friends said, “We know that, but how is she healthwise?”

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back. “Step aside, lady,” he barked. “I’ve taken a course in first aid.” The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder. “Pardon me,” she said. “But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m right here.”

The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure?Doctor: Yes, that is true.P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure?D: Yes, that is also true.P: So, in average, I live normally.

Jack: “My brother was sick and went to the doctor.”John: “Is he feeling better now?”Jack: “No, he has a broken arm.”John: “How did he break it?”Jack: “Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter what happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew out of the window.”John: “How did he break his arm?”Jack: “He fell out of the window trying to follow the prescription.”

“Doctor, doctor!” said the panic-stricken woman, “my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he’s swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?””Quite simple,” said the doctor calmly. “You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband’s mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite haul it out.””Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I’ll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod’s head.””What do you want a cod’s head for?””Oh- I forgot to tell you. I’ve got to get the cat out first!”

A coffin was being moved when it fell off a wagon, and started down the hill. One of the morticians started chasing it. As it rolled past the hospital, the mortician yelled to one of the nurse practitioners walking by, “Doc, quick, give me something to stop this coffin.”

The ninety-year-old man was in for his checkup when the nurse practitioner learned he was about to marry an eighteen year old girl. “Now, Mr. Jenkins,” the nurse practitioner warned, “you should know that when a man your age marries an eighteen-year-old girl, somebody could get hurt.” The old man shrugged, “If she dies, she dies.”

Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.

How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility? She’s the one with dirty knees.

How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?None - They just have a nursing assistant do it.

Fireman rescued a man who was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn’t much left.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m GodWhen did this start ?Well first I created the sun, then the earth

Doctor, Doctor you’ve taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don’t feel well.That’s quite enough out of you !

Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking ?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor !

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots ?
I never make rash promises !

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps !

Doctor, Doctor I’m a burglar !
Have you taken anything for it ?

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.
Don’t worry, it’s just a bug that’s going around !doc

Doctor, Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in What about a matchbox !

Doctor Doctor I think I’m a moth.
So why did you come around then ?
Well, I saw this light at the window…!

Doctor, Doctor I’m on a diet and it’s making me irritable.
Yesterday I bit someones ear off. Oh dear, that’s a lot of calories !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a nit.
Will you get out of my hair !

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I’m a caterpillar.
Don’t worry you’ll soon change !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a snake about to shed it’s skin.
Why don’t you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then !

Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?
A: In case they have to draw blood.

What kind of physician works on a cruise liner?A dry doc.

Doctor: “Good news you passed your hearing test!”
Patient: “HUH”

What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?Saturday Night Fever.

Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street?They were arch enemies

What’s the difference between a nurse and a nun? A nun only serves one God.

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.””That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “May I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change…”

Doctor, doctor, can I have a bottle of aspirin and a pot of glue?Why?Because I’ve been at my computer all day and I’ve got a splitting headache!

Doctor, Doctor, my little brother thinks he’s a computer.Well bring him in so I can cure him.I can’t, I need to use him to finish my homework.

A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. “This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well.”

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.”Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?” asks the doctor.”Oh, no,” replies the nurse, “I gave him eight tablets every two hours!”At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.”Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?””Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour,” replies the nurse.Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. “Nurse,” asks the doctor, “did you prick his boil?””OH MY GOODNESS!” replies the nurse.

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.

Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient’s best side.

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!

How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just have a nursing assistant do it. As much as the doctor orders.

How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

What is a double-blind study?
Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”.She confirms and asks how he knew. “Easy, you’re always washing your hands.”She then says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.”Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?”Female doctor: “I didn’t feel a thing.”

How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.

“Why are you so excited?”, the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized.”But doc, this is my first operation.””Really? It’s mine too, and I am not excited at all.”

“What do you do?” a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with. “I’m a nurse.” “I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me,” he whispered in her ear. “That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward.”

Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming of bats, creepy-crawlies, demons, ghosts, monsters, vampires, werewolves and yetis.
Doctor: How interesting. Do you always dream in alphabetical order?

There were ten zebras in the zoo. All but nine escaped. How many were left? Nine!

Nurse: Would you like an appointment for next week?
Patient: No, I’m sick now.

Jack went to see the camp nurse. ‘I fell last night,’ he said. ‘And I was unconscious for eight hours.’
The nurse was shocked. ‘How awful. What happened?’
’I fell asleep!’

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?
Doctor: Sell!

A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs. “Here we go again.”

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells to the other, “How do you get to the other side?” “You are on the other side,” the other blonde yells back.

Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.

Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

Did you hear about the blonde who missed the 44 bus? She took the 22 twice instead.

Did you hear about the blonde who put “Sagittarius” at the bottom of application forms where it said “Sign Here”.

Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn’t get taller girls?

Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?
A: She couldn’t figure out who the other mother was.

Q: What do you call a blonde holding a balloon?
A: Siamese twins.

Q: Why don’t blonde’s like audio-books?
A: There aren’t any pictures.

Q: Why will a blonde laugh at a joke three times?
A: Once when you tell it, once when you tell her the punchline, and once when she gets it.

Q: What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?
A: “Today children, we will learn our ABC’s”

Q: What can save a dying blonde?
A: Hair transplants.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that got pregnant for the second time?
A: She asked her husband if they needed to get married again.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde hoodlum?
A: She runs around spray-painting her name on chain link fences.

Q: What do you call a blonde sky diving team?
A: A new version of the lawn dart’s game.

Q: Did you hear about the Blonde who got a pair of water-skis?
A: She’s still looking for a lake with a slope.

Q: What is a blonde’s definition of a naval destroyer?
A: A hula hoop with a nail in it.

Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
A: Silicone chips.

Q: How do you electrocute a blonde?
A: Tell her to demonstrate the proper usage of an electric chair.

Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

Q. How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher?
A.It’s cloged up with paper plates.

Q.How many blonde’s does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 3. 1 to find the bulb, 1 to find a ladder and 1 to find a man.

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
A: One - the rest are all true.

Q. How do you know a blonde has been using the computer?
A. There is cheese in front of the mouse.

Q: How can you tell if a cat is blonde?
A: No matter what height you drop it from it always lands on its head.

Q: What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets?
A: She went looking for the three guys.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A: Married.

Q: How did the blonde kill her toy poodle?
A: Trying to put batteries in it.

Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth?
A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the blonde joke list.

Q: What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
A: Double-dumb.

Q: How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
A: It is the one with the kickstand.

Q: Where do you look for blonde’s obituaries?
A: Under “Home Improvements.”

Q: Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows?
A: It took her six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
A: She still hasn’t gotten all the hair off her tongue.

Q: Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?
A: She didn’t know where to buy Left Guard!

Q: How does a blonde hemophiliac treat herself?
A: Acupuncture.

Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite color?
A: A light shade of clear.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: When he asks for a lifesaver, ask him what flavor he wants.

Q: How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash?
A: She’s the one on her bike.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a car accident?
A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.

Q: Why didn’t the blondes go to the movies on one buck night?
A: They couldn’t fit a deer into the car.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: Give her a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say ‘hi.’

Q: What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
A: Play ball.

Q: Why can’t blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?
A: They take off their makeup.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Q: Why couldn’t the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
A: Because she didn’t know which one came first!

Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
A: They heard that under seventeen weren’t admitted!

Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What a BLONDE will ask the doctor, in the maternity ward?
A: “Is it mine?”

Q: What did the blonde’s dentist find?
A: Teeth in the cavity.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?
A: A vacant posession.

Q: What did the dumb blonde say when told that “Scheherezade” was composed by Rimsky-Korsakov ?
A: “Why’d his mom choose to call him Rimsky of all names ?!!?”

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?
A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Manuever.

Q: What’s a blonde’s favourite wine?
A: “Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!”

Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus VAT

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads

Q:Once there was the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, Easter bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde they were walking down the road when they saw a $100 dollars bill who gets it??
A: No one the first four dont exsist and the other blonde thought it was a gumwraper!

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: That’s where you wash all your vegetables!

Q: What did the blonde’s mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?
A: ”Just flush it like everybody else does.”

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?
A: So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q: What are the blonde’s first words after 4 years of college?
A: “Would you like fries with that?”

Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: Why don’t blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
A: They can’t get eight cups of water into that little packet.

These two blondes walk into a building. You’d think one of them would have seen it.

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, “Can you help me when you get home?””Sure,” he replies. “What’s the problem?””Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can’t even find the edge pieces.” “Look on the box,” he said. “There’s always a picture of what the puzzle is.” “It’s a big rooster,” she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, “Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box.”

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant’s weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. “That won’t work,” countered the woman. “I’m not the mother, I’m the aunt.”

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth — if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first. “I think I’m the smartest woman on earth.” “POOF!” She disappears. The redhead goes up to try. p> “I think I’m the prettiest woman on earth.” “POOF!” She disappears. The blonde goes up. “I think–” “POOF!”

A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her. She screams, ‘’Nein! Nein!’’ So two guys walk away.

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals. She proudly said, “Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!” Her friend said, “O.K. then, what’s the capital of France?” The blonde replied, “Oh, that’s so easy! F.”

A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke swimming race across the English Channel. The brunette came in first, the redhead came in second and the blonde never finished. When the blonde got in the lifeboat she said, ‘’I don’t want to be a tattletale or anything, but the other two used their arms.’’

Three women are about to be executed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead and one’s a blonde.The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no and the executioner shouts, ‘’Ready! Aim!’’ Suddenly the brunette yells, ‘’EARTHQUAKE!!!’’ Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ‘’Ready! Aim!’’ Suddenly the redhead yells, ‘’TORNADO!!!’’ Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!’’ and the blonde yells, ‘’FIRE!!!”’

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ‘’I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?’’ Her mother replied, ‘’Of couse it is, dear.’’ The next day, the blonde said, ‘’I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?’’Her mother replied, ‘’Of course it is dear!’’The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ‘’I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?’’Her mother replied, ‘’No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old.”

One day 3 women went to the top of a water flume in a swimming pool. There was a black haired, brown haired, and a blonde haired woman.When they got to the top a genie appeared from nowhere and said “when your going down the flume shout out the on thing that you want and you will land in it at the bottom. So the black haired woman went down and shouted “money” and landed in a load of cash, the brown haired woman went down and shouted “gorgous men!” and landed in a pile of men. The blonde woman wasnt listening to the genie so she went down shouting weeeeeee.

One day a blond went out to check her mail box. There was nothing in it. Her neighbor who was also out there gives her a weird look.An hour later she goes back out to her mailbox and goes back in cause there was nothing in it and her neighbor goes “What the hell is she doing?”An hour later she goes back out side and looks in the mailbox and there is nothing in it. Finally the neighbor gets curious enough to ask her what she is doing. The blone says, “My stupid computer keeps saying you’ve got mail.”

Three blondes are stranded on an island. A fairy comes along and says that she will grant each person a wish.So the first blonde says she wants to be really smart so she digs and finds a cell phone and calls the Army.The second blonde says that she wants to be even smarter so she finds a flair and sets it off.The third blonde says that she wants to be even smarter than both of them, so the fairy changes herhair color to black and she says,” Let’s go over the bridge.”

A blonde and her husband were driving home, when they hit a rabit. They both got out of the car and stood over the poor creature.The blonde and her husband just stood their, when she said “Oh i know.”So she when in the car and rumaged through her purse and came out with what lookeda bottle. She poured it on the rabit and they bothgot in the car. Suddenly the rabit got up hopped alittle bit and waved, hopped a little and waved,hopped to the top of the hill and waved.Then dissapered over it.The husband just stared at his wife and said “Honey, what did you pour onthat rabit?”His wife just said “Hair Restorer with a permanent wave.”

There was a blonde who was at an all blonde football game.At halftime she was called down to answer questions to seeif she could win $1000. The first question was what is 10 plus 11?She hesitates and says, hm.. 5! The host says no im sorry thats incorrect.All of the blondes in the stadium chanted “Give her another chance, giveher another chance!” So the host agrees and said, “ok how about 5 plus 5.”She answers and says 20. Again all the blondes chanted give her another chance, give her another chance. So the host agrees again and says, ok last chance,what is 2 plus 2. The blonde says 4! and the audience says Give her another chance give her another chance!

One day a blonde woman was down on her luck and she needed a quick way to get money.She saw some kids playing and thought “Hey! Maybe I can kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom!” So she creeps up and snatches one.So she began to write a note: “I have kidnaped your son and I will give him back if you put 10,000$ on the north side of the tree in the park.Signed Blonde.”She sticks the note on the kid and sends himhome. The next day she goes to the north sideof the tree and in a paper bag was 10, 000$.But there was a note inside saying: “How could you do this to a fellow blonde!?!”

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, “Cruise Special — $99!”. She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, “I’d like the $99 cruise special, please.” The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, “Do they serve refreshments on this cruise? The second blonde replies, ” They didn’t last year.”

A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock.
The blonde replied, ‘’What for? Are you going to set it on fire!’’

A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless. ‘’Where have you been?’’ asked the man. ‘’I can’t believe you left me down there! I couldn’t get the tailgate open!’’

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, “All right, who’s the other father!?!”

A friend meets up with her friend as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.Her friend asks, “Everything ok with your car now?”The blonde replies, “Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.”

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady’s 78-yearold daughter (who wasn’t blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn’t make it.”Didn’t make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!” the former blonde asked.

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmmm, this person looks familiar.”The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”

A blonde gets her first period, so she goes to the drugstore to get some pads. The wide selection and huge variety confuse her, so she asks the clerk for some help. “What kind of pads should I get?” she says. “This is all new to me.” “Well,” says the clerk, “that depends on the flow.”She says, “It’s ceramic tile.”

Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by? The first one said, “I wonder whether she’s a natural blonde or a bleached blonde.” Her friend said, “She’s a suicide blonde.”The other said, “Suicide blonde? What’s that?”The friend said, “Dyed by her own hand!”

A man works in the operations department of a large bank. Employees call him from the field when they have problems with their computers. One night a blonde woman from a branch bank called him and said, “I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my computer terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, “How is much is this TV?” The salesman said, “Sorry, we don’’t sell to blondes.” The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, “Sorry, we don’’t sell to blondes.” The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, “Sorry we don’’t sell to blondes.” She replied, ” I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?” “Because that is not a TV, it’’s a microwave.”

This is a nice image collection of celebrities without make up, we will keep it updated with new photos.

Alicia Silverstone

Angelina Jolie

Brooke Shields

Courteney Cox

Drew Barrymore

Eva Longoria

Heidi Klum

Hilary Duff

Jennifer Garner

Jessica Alba

Jessica Simpson

Julia Roberts

Katherine Heigl

Naomi Watts

Nicollette Sheridan

Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: “Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet”

Hey buddy. How late does the band play?
About half a beat behind the drummer.

A saxophone is like a lawsuit.
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

An eight-year-old kid says t his dad, “When I grow up, I want to be a musician.”
The dad says, “I am sorry — can’t have it both ways.”

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

Q.How is a heart like a musician?
A.They both have a beat

Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?
A: You can almost hear them.

Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?
A: You can’t!

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: That’s the banjo player’s Porsche.

Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.

Q: What’s the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A: “I didn’t wake up this morning…”

Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ?
A: They never know when to come in.

Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door?
A: The knocking always speeds up.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Bach
!Bach who ?
Bach to work!

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Bass !
Bass who ?
Bass the salt and pepper please !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Beethoven !
Beethoven who ?
Beethoven is too hot !

What do you call a mammoth who conducts an orchestra?
Tuskanini.

When is the water in the shower room musical?
When it’s piping hot.

Why did they arrest the musician?
He got into treble.

Do you think, Professor, that my wife should take up the piano as a career?
No, I think she should put down the lid as a favor.

Q: What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin?
A: You get light music.

Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to chorus?
A: He wanted to sing higher!

1st man: “My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o’clock this morning!”
2nd man: “Did they wake you?”
1st man: “Nah….I was up playing my bagpipes.”

Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q: What’s the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says “hey you, get off of my cloud!”, while a Scotsman says “Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!”

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
A: They make great anchors!

Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
A: They make good paddles.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?
A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.

Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?
A: Saves time.

Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
A: By their names.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.

Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out.

Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.

Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?
A: A new age song.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.

Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover?
A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.

Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.

Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.

Q: Why don’t they know where Mozart is buried?
A: Because he’s Haydn!

Q: What’s musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.

Q: What is the definition of an optimist
?A: An accordion player with a pager.

Q: What’s the range of an accordion?
A: Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm!

Q: What’s the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.

Q: What’s an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to fold a map.

Q: What’s the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.

Q: What’s the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We’re still trying to find out too.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.

Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don’t play.

Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.

Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
A: It is usually still in the case.

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

Q: Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons?
A: I don’t want the neighbours to think I’m employing corporal punishment, dear.

Q: Why are conductors’ hearts popular for transplants?
A: They’ve had little use.

Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.

Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.

Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
A: King Kong is more sensitive.

Q: What’s the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm.

Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.

Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a “tuba glue.”

Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A: A violator.

Q: Why are violas so large?
A: It is an optical illusion. It’s not that the violas are large, just that the viola player’s heads are so small.

Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.

Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: It’s all in the grip.

Q: What’s the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn’t!

Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.

Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner’s neighbors don’t mind if you don’t return the sax when you borrow it.

A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.”Help!” cried the cellist, “I can’t swim!””Don’t worry,” said the violist, “just fake it.”

Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?
A: Who cares!

A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.
She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, “I just like to hear you say it.”

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.Abe says, “I can’t believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?”Max replies, “Well, it’s great, but I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news. The good news is that there’s a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we’re playing “Sheherezade,” your favorite piece, tomorrow night!”Abe says, “So what’s the bad news?”Max replies, “Well, you’re booked to play the solo!”

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, “While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down.”The violist replied, “You’re kidding! The conductor came to my house?”

Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, “Where are we?”Rachmaninov said, “Carnegie Hall, sir!”

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Adder !
Adder who ?
Adder you get in here ?

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Abba !
Abba who ?
Abba’out turn ! Quick march!

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Abbey !
Abbey who ?
Abbey stung me on the nose !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Abe !Abe who ?
Abe C D E F G H… !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Aladdin !
Aladdin who ?
Aladdin the street wants a word with you !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Alaska !
Alaska who ?
Alaska my mummy !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Adolf !
Adolf who ?
Adolf ball hit me in the mouth !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Agatha !
Agatha who ?
Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin ?

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Ahmed !
Ahmed who ?
Ahmed a big mistake coming here !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Amana !
Amana who ?
Amana bad mood !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Anka !
Anka who ?
Anka the ship !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Amy !
Amy who?
Amy for the top!

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Ari !
Ari who ?
Ari-S-P-E-C-T !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Bond !
Bond who ?
Bond to succeed !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Barbie !
Barbie who ?
Barbie Q !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Ben !
Ben who ?
Ben knocking on this door all morning !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Avery !
Avery who ?
Avery time I come to your house we go through this !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Benjamin !
Benjamin who ?
Benjamin the blues !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Ben and Anna!
Ben and Anna who ?
Ben and Anna split!

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Bea !
Bea who ?
Beacause I’m worth it !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Beaver E !
Beaver E who ?
Beaver E quiet and nobody will find us !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Bingo !
Bingo who ?
Bingo’ng to come and see you for ages !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Bond !
Bond who ?
Bond to succeed !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Bully !
Bully who ?
Bully Jean is not my lover !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Bruce !
Bruce who ?
I Bruce easily, don’t hit me !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Bud !
Bud who ?
Budweiser, the King of Beers !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Buddha !
Buddha who ?
Buddha this slice of bread for me !

Knock KnockWho’s there !
C-2 !
C-2 who ?
C-2 it that you don’t forget my name next time !

Knock Knock.
Who’s there !
Candice !
Candice who ?
Candice get any better !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Cannelloni !
Cannelloni who ?
Cannelloni some money till next week ?

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Canoe !
Canoe who ?
Canoe come out and play with me ?

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Canon !
Canon who ?
Canon open the door then ?

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Cereal !
Cereal who ?
Cereal pleasure to meet you !

Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Chuck !
Chuck who ?
Chuck in a sandwich for lunch

Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Cheese !
Cheese who ?
Cheese a jolly good fellow !

Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Cheese !
Cheese who ?
Cheese a cute girl !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Costa !
Costa who ?
Costa lot !

Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Cotton !
Cotton who ?
Cotton a trap !

Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Colin !
Colin who ?
Colin all cars, Colin all cars !

Knock Knock
Who’s there !
Cumin !
Cumin who?
Cumin side, its freezing out there !

If you know more “Knock Knock jokes”, post them here.
Thank you.

Despite the best and most recent efforts by vandals, the new Albury suburb is nowhere to be found on maps and Albury Council has no intention of making the name change permanents.
But for now the sign stands clearly named after the Walker Texas Ranger star at the suburb’s entrance at the Union and Burrows roads intersection - at least until the next vandal has a go.