Funny Blonde Jokes
Here is a nice collection of blonde jokes, enjoy !
A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs. “Here we go again.”
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells to the other, “How do you get to the other side?” “You are on the other side,” the other blonde yells back.
Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
Did you hear about the blonde who missed the 44 bus? She took the 22 twice instead.
Did you hear about the blonde who put “Sagittarius” at the bottom of application forms where it said “Sign Here”.
Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn’t get taller girls?
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?
A: She couldn’t figure out who the other mother was.
Q: What do you call a blonde holding a balloon?
A: Siamese twins.
Q: Why don’t blonde’s like audio-books?
A: There aren’t any pictures.
Q: Why will a blonde laugh at a joke three times?
A: Once when you tell it, once when you tell her the punchline, and once when she gets it.
Q: What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?
A: “Today children, we will learn our ABC’s”
Q: What can save a dying blonde?
A: Hair transplants.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that got pregnant for the second time?
A: She asked her husband if they needed to get married again.
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde hoodlum?
A: She runs around spray-painting her name on chain link fences.
Q: What do you call a blonde sky diving team?
A: A new version of the lawn dart’s game.
Q: Did you hear about the Blonde who got a pair of water-skis?
A: She’s still looking for a lake with a slope.
Q: What is a blonde’s definition of a naval destroyer?
A: A hula hoop with a nail in it.
Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
A: Silicone chips.
Q: How do you electrocute a blonde?
A: Tell her to demonstrate the proper usage of an electric chair.
Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Q. How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher?
A.It’s cloged up with paper plates.
Q.How many blonde’s does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 3. 1 to find the bulb, 1 to find a ladder and 1 to find a man.
Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
A: One - the rest are all true.
Q. How do you know a blonde has been using the computer?
A. There is cheese in front of the mouse.
Q: How can you tell if a cat is blonde?
A: No matter what height you drop it from it always lands on its head.
Q: What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets?
A: She went looking for the three guys.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
Q: How did the blonde kill her toy poodle?
A: Trying to put batteries in it.
Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth?
A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the blonde joke list.
Q: What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
Q: How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
A: It is the one with the kickstand.
Q: Where do you look for blonde’s obituaries?
A: Under “Home Improvements.”
Q: Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows?
A: It took her six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
A: She still hasn’t gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Q: Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?
A: She didn’t know where to buy Left Guard!
Q: How does a blonde hemophiliac treat herself?
Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite color?
A: A light shade of clear.
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: When he asks for a lifesaver, ask him what flavor he wants.
Q: How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash?
A: She’s the one on her bike.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a car accident?
A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.
Q: Why didn’t the blondes go to the movies on one buck night?
A: They couldn’t fit a deer into the car.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: Give her a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say ‘hi.’
Q: What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
A: Play ball.
Q: Why can’t blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?
A: They take off their makeup.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
Q: Why couldn’t the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
A: Because she didn’t know which one came first!
Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
A: They heard that under seventeen weren’t admitted!
Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What a BLONDE will ask the doctor, in the maternity ward?
A: “Is it mine?”
Q: What did the blonde’s dentist find?
A: Teeth in the cavity.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?
A: A vacant posession.
Q: What did the dumb blonde say when told that “Scheherezade” was composed by Rimsky-Korsakov ?
A: “Why’d his mom choose to call him Rimsky of all names ?!!?”
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?
A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Manuever.
Q: What’s a blonde’s favourite wine?
A: “Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!”
Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus VAT
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads
Q:Once there was the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, Easter bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde they were walking down the road when they saw a $100 dollars bill who gets it??
A: No one the first four dont exsist and the other blonde thought it was a gumwraper!
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: That’s where you wash all your vegetables!
Q: What did the blonde’s mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?
A: ”Just flush it like everybody else does.”
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?
A: So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.
Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Q: What are the blonde’s first words after 4 years of college?
A: “Would you like fries with that?”
Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.
Q: Why don’t blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
A: They can’t get eight cups of water into that little packet.
These two blondes walk into a building. You’d think one of them would have seen it.
A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, “Can you help me when you get home?””Sure,” he replies. “What’s the problem?””Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can’t even find the edge pieces.” “Look on the box,” he said. “There’s always a picture of what the puzzle is.” “It’s a big rooster,” she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, “Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box.”
At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant’s weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. “That won’t work,” countered the woman. “I’m not the mother, I’m the aunt.”
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth — if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first. “I think I’m the smartest woman on earth.” “POOF!” She disappears. The redhead goes up to try. p> “I think I’m the prettiest woman on earth.” “POOF!” She disappears. The blonde goes up. “I think–” “POOF!”
A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her. She screams, ‘’Nein! Nein!’’ So two guys walk away.
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals. She proudly said, “Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!” Her friend said, “O.K. then, what’s the capital of France?” The blonde replied, “Oh, that’s so easy! F.”
A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke swimming race across the English Channel. The brunette came in first, the redhead came in second and the blonde never finished. When the blonde got in the lifeboat she said, ‘’I don’t want to be a tattletale or anything, but the other two used their arms.’’
Three women are about to be executed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead and one’s a blonde.The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no and the executioner shouts, ‘’Ready! Aim!’’ Suddenly the brunette yells, ‘’EARTHQUAKE!!!’’ Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ‘’Ready! Aim!’’ Suddenly the redhead yells, ‘’TORNADO!!!’’ Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!’’ and the blonde yells, ‘’FIRE!!!”’
A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ‘’I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?’’ Her mother replied, ‘’Of couse it is, dear.’’ The next day, the blonde said, ‘’I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?’’Her mother replied, ‘’Of course it is dear!’’The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ‘’I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?’’Her mother replied, ‘’No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old.”
One day 3 women went to the top of a water flume in a swimming pool. There was a black haired, brown haired, and a blonde haired woman.When they got to the top a genie appeared from nowhere and said “when your going down the flume shout out the on thing that you want and you will land in it at the bottom. So the black haired woman went down and shouted “money” and landed in a load of cash, the brown haired woman went down and shouted “gorgous men!” and landed in a pile of men. The blonde woman wasnt listening to the genie so she went down shouting weeeeeee.
One day a blond went out to check her mail box. There was nothing in it. Her neighbor who was also out there gives her a weird look.An hour later she goes back out to her mailbox and goes back in cause there was nothing in it and her neighbor goes “What the hell is she doing?”An hour later she goes back out side and looks in the mailbox and there is nothing in it. Finally the neighbor gets curious enough to ask her what she is doing. The blone says, “My stupid computer keeps saying you’ve got mail.”
Three blondes are stranded on an island. A fairy comes along and says that she will grant each person a wish.So the first blonde says she wants to be really smart so she digs and finds a cell phone and calls the Army.The second blonde says that she wants to be even smarter so she finds a flair and sets it off.The third blonde says that she wants to be even smarter than both of them, so the fairy changes herhair color to black and she says,” Let’s go over the bridge.”
A blonde and her husband were driving home, when they hit a rabit. They both got out of the car and stood over the poor creature.The blonde and her husband just stood their, when she said “Oh i know.”So she when in the car and rumaged through her purse and came out with what lookeda bottle. She poured it on the rabit and they bothgot in the car. Suddenly the rabit got up hopped alittle bit and waved, hopped a little and waved,hopped to the top of the hill and waved.Then dissapered over it.The husband just stared at his wife and said “Honey, what did you pour onthat rabit?”His wife just said “Hair Restorer with a permanent wave.”
There was a blonde who was at an all blonde football game.At halftime she was called down to answer questions to seeif she could win $1000. The first question was what is 10 plus 11?She hesitates and says, hm.. 5! The host says no im sorry thats incorrect.All of the blondes in the stadium chanted “Give her another chance, giveher another chance!” So the host agrees and said, “ok how about 5 plus 5.”She answers and says 20. Again all the blondes chanted give her another chance, give her another chance. So the host agrees again and says, ok last chance,what is 2 plus 2. The blonde says 4! and the audience says Give her another chance give her another chance!
One day a blonde woman was down on her luck and she needed a quick way to get money.She saw some kids playing and thought “Hey! Maybe I can kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom!” So she creeps up and snatches one.So she began to write a note: “I have kidnaped your son and I will give him back if you put 10,000$ on the north side of the tree in the park.Signed Blonde.”She sticks the note on the kid and sends himhome. The next day she goes to the north sideof the tree and in a paper bag was 10, 000$.But there was a note inside saying: “How could you do this to a fellow blonde!?!”
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, “Cruise Special — $99!”. She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, “I’d like the $99 cruise special, please.” The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, “Do they serve refreshments on this cruise? The second blonde replies, ” They didn’t last year.”
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock.
The blonde replied, ‘’What for? Are you going to set it on fire!’’
A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless. ‘’Where have you been?’’ asked the man. ‘’I can’t believe you left me down there! I couldn’t get the tailgate open!’’
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, “All right, who’s the other father!?!”
A friend meets up with her friend as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.Her friend asks, “Everything ok with your car now?”The blonde replies, “Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.”
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady’s 78-yearold daughter (who wasn’t blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn’t make it.”Didn’t make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!” the former blonde asked.
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmmm, this person looks familiar.”The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”
A blonde gets her first period, so she goes to the drugstore to get some pads. The wide selection and huge variety confuse her, so she asks the clerk for some help. “What kind of pads should I get?” she says. “This is all new to me.” “Well,” says the clerk, “that depends on the flow.”She says, “It’s ceramic tile.”
Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by? The first one said, “I wonder whether she’s a natural blonde or a bleached blonde.” Her friend said, “She’s a suicide blonde.”The other said, “Suicide blonde? What’s that?”The friend said, “Dyed by her own hand!”
A man works in the operations department of a large bank. Employees call him from the field when they have problems with their computers. One night a blonde woman from a branch bank called him and said, “I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my computer terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”
A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, “How is much is this TV?” The salesman said, “Sorry, we don’’t sell to blondes.” The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, “Sorry, we don’’t sell to blondes.” The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, “Sorry we don’’t sell to blondes.” She replied, ” I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?” “Because that is not a TV, it’’s a microwave.”